Kelly – Domestic Violence
Love shouldn't hurt! Why me? - Kelly
Love shouldn't hurt!
Love shouldn’t kill you slowly!
Why me?
For 5 years I was trapped in a mentally emotionally abusive relationship which turned physically.
Feeling trapped, suffocated, isolated, drowning for the control he had over me, I put you first always, but for you I was last always, I seen all the signs I chose to not see.
Why me?
I didn’t know how to ask for help.
I didn’t know how to escape.
The trap door was locked tight!
Why me?
What was I doing wrong? I always blamed myself, I shouldn't fight back, I shouldn’t say that, I should just let things go!
I let so much happen because he had a drug addiction, it’s the drugs, it's the drugs,
I’ll just help him, I’ll put up with an abusive behaviour because it’s the drugs, it's not him...
I fell for all the crocodile tears over and over his cries for help, but deep down it was his way to control and isolate me for my friends and family
He cheated I was to blame because I never gave him attention!
He lied I was to blame cos I didn’t understand.
He stole from me; I was to blame because we never had money.
I couldn’t have friends because they didn’t understand his " love” but deep down it was because they see straight through his bullshit controlling ways,
The pain I'd feel every day was killing me slowly, the masks I'd wear to hide my life to hide what was going on behind closed doors, I'd cry every day, asking why me?
Then I'd put on a mask to hide the pain at work, family advents, smiling but bursting with anger, hurt and hate underneath.
Having it affect my kids was pure hatred, the belittling his control over them, became unrealistic. Was I dreaming this?
Why me?
Then came the psychical harm, 3 times, 3 assaults, why does love hurt? love shouldn't hurt!
Having my daughter witness all 3 of these killed me, killed me seeing the hurt, confusion, and hate on her sweet face, seeing her shake with fear, cry with fear and scream with anger.
Your heartless intent of driving towards me with a car with intent to kill me. While my daughter watching, seeing the smirk on his face, black eyes, no soul.
Locking us in our home were we should feel safe, taking our phones so we can’t call for help, putting my head in a bucket of water, feeling I'm going to drown tonight I'm going to die, my last thing I'd hear would be my daughter screaming for help and feeling his hand on my head sent shivers down my spine. Having to have to use a knife against you, cos it was the only way I save us.
Why me?
Love shouldn't hurt!
For a week I made plans to get help, I needed help, not sleeping for 5 days waiting for the next attack, waiting for my next move, not knowing how to get help, not knowing where to go.
Trust your gut instinct, cos mine nearly killed me, being at work knowing and feeling today is the day, driving home I knew today is the day I get a hiding. Sure was!
Why me?
Walking into my home, bang! No were to run, no one to hear my screams and nowhere to escape.
Why me?
Love shouldn’t hurt!
Having him over me, over powering me, pushing me onto bed, placing his cold soul less hands around my throat, screaming at me. “No one hear you scream now bitch!”
Hearing the echo of these words, the noise was so loud it was quite, the ringing in my ears was deafening, seeing the room go dark, feeling my breaths became harder to get, hearing dogs bark, and feeling his body weight was like a truck on top of me, then suddenly the fight stopped I could feel him under my nails from clawing his body, I could feel the life going from my body. Then it stopped.
Why me?
Gasping for air, drowning from air, trying to scream but no noise would come.
Ears ringing, sound was deafening, hearing the name calling “you fat cunt stop faking I and, shut the fuck up!”
Why me?
Then I hear a noise, it was so loud. A car! I run, I escape, I see red, a red car! run run run is all I can do, run run run I scream, a noise finally come out of my mouth. I can hear the sound of running behind me, its him chasing me, screaming at me! Headlight is all I see, when I look back. Is this a dream? A nightmare? A movie?
Why me?
Love shouldn't hurt!
The lights come straight for him, he jumps out of way, all I see is red, a red car, the door opens I get in. I’ve escaped! I’m free! I'm safe!
My daughter my hero. saved my life, police called.
I can’t breathe I can’t breathe all I can do is gasp, everything spinning, moving fast but slow ears ringing the noise was deafening, muffled voices asking if I'm ok, body shaking, chest tight, tears running down my swollen sore face, throat on fire, bruises already showing,
Why me?
Love shouldn't hurt!
The aftermath was insane, was completely destroying my soul, months of court appearances, months of questioning my judgement, questioning my integrity, questioning myself. All the why me questions. All the what ifs and should of, could of. You thought you have broken me, destroyed me, it's far from the truth! You made me a survivor. You made me stronger, you made me see I deserve the best, and that best is me!
Because I’m a survivor!
This is goodbye! this is my release, my story. Don’t say sorry for show, to make you look good at court, saying sorry cant mean anything from a monster. My name Kelly and I'm a survivor of domestic violence.
Ask for help, someone will listen, I wish I did.